The World of Stand-Up Comedia

I have had an affection for stand up comedy for a long time--I really like a few particular comedians and I try to go see their shows whenever they are in town. For the most part, though, I ruin stand-up comedy routines for myself by arguing with the comedians and their assertions about the world.

The most recent instance of this I can remember was watching an opening act where the dude's whole routine was "hey men and women are different!" and specifically, different because men like video games and women like to nag them. He went on and on and on about how his girlfriend just didn't "understand" how he could sit there playing Halo for hours on end.

No, dude, I may not play Halo but I've spent many an hour glued to the screen of various video games. Every time he kept saying this as if I should understand and commiserate with not understanding 12 hour long video game sessions. As if I should think, "you're so right dude, I totally don't get MEN." Instead I was like, man I've spent that much time playing Monster Rancher. I've gone on epic Pokemon benders that only didn't end in death because it was on a portable gaming system I could take to the toilet and kitchen with me. I play World of Warcraft--I don't even think I need to elaborate on that one.

The other type of comedy I always hear and ruin for myself is when comedians make fun of sayings and idioms. I swear I've heard more than one comedian make a joke about people saying "it was in the last place I looked!" Their slam is that "of course it was! You don't keep looking for something after you've found it!" but rather than laugh, a little voice in my head goes on for an hour about how that phrase effectively communicates the idea that one searched high and low and found the lost item in the most unexpected place. It just takes a hell of a lot less time to use the colloquial phrase.

I also groan when jokes seem to be totally lifted off of email forwards. I seriously do not care how language evolved to the point where the parkway and driveway have opposite meanings of what they sound like. Well, maybe a little, but that's an inquiry which cannot be satisfied in a ten-minute routine on Last Comic Standing. Maybe the real point is, even a modicum of knowledge about linguistics will ruin mediocre stand-up comedy for you forever.

I am also totally unable to relate when comedians (even my favorites do this from time to time) talk about how they only have sex twice a year post marriage. It's a pretty sad thing if I'm in the minority with not understanding those jokes, but when I hear Ray Romano (not one of my favorites, to clarify) say his wife only initiates sex when it's time for driver's license renewal, my first thought is "wow y'all must really suck in bed," not "hahaha that's so true."

When I hear comedians talk about, or people talk to me about sexless marriage, it's akin to them saying something like "don't you hate it when you have green and red pus pouring out of your urethra" thinking it must happen to everyone else when it really doesn't unless you need some sort of help.

I could probably write the worst comedy act I could imagine and I bet it's been performed somewhere before. First I'd have to get a sex change, and then it'd go something like this.

"Hey folks! I would have been late, but my wife had a headache!

Doesn't it bother you when you're playing video games and your wife is all 'oh mah gawd I don't understand why you do that all day' and then you're all 'I don't understand why you go shopping all day! ZING!'

I don't get it why when someone dies people are all, so and so 'passed away.' What does that even mean anyway? I know what it means to pass gas, but not to pass away! Why I think that combination of words has no meaning outside of the one assigned to it! We're really stupid for coming up with new ways to say 'he dun died' in order to make it more palatable to the loved ones of said person. Like the Chewbacca defense, it makes no sense!

You know it's funny that when a white person sees a cop they're like, 'oh I better stop speeding.' But when a black person sees a cop they're like, 'oh snap, I'm gonna get shot!' Hahahaha.

I also like to smoke a whole lot of weeeed. Man. HOLLA!!!

Like I alluded to before, I don't get to have sex much because I'm married. It's like, when I nudge my wife with my boner she just doesn't get all hot for my boring, foreplay free, mechanical love making and it's because we're married."

I know I have to be stealing someone's schtick SOMEWHERE with that.

I guess my taste in comedians isn't all that refined though because sometimes I like a comedian for delivery alone. I'd laugh my ass off just watching Lewis Black read a cooking recipe because he always sounds like he's going to accidentally poop himself in anger. This amuses me.

Anyway, I suppose I shouldn't be a critic until I've tried it. I've written out a few stand up routines in my day for the hell of it (and actually performed one in front of a speech class for a "do whatever you want" thing in my undergrad years), but I've never gone out in front of a crowd of complete strangers and tried to make them laugh. I imagine it's probably a lot like Hollywood where if you stray from the tried and true formula people get all antsy and nervous and start thinking soylent green is people. It's a pretty decent past time to get in arguments in my head over this stuff anyway, so keep on truckin', comedic exploiters of stereotypes. I salute you.